Leaving Your Head Behind

We’ve all been there, caught up in our rampant thinking. Sure, it’s trying to be helpful but for the most part, it’s just noise.

You see, your thinking is just thinking. You have a sixty to eighty thousand thoughts in a day. That’s 50 thought a minute! All of this activity made of air, one thought no more true than the next. But they all seem so real! 

And when you see an attractive woman you want to talk to you, I imagine those thoughts bump up to 100 in a minute! Not many of them kind, I’m sure. “She’s busy. I’m busy. She wouldn’t like me. I’m not wearing the right clothes. I’m too old for her. People don’t do things like this. I don’t have to talk to her. I’ll see her again.” This is the freeway pile-up of thoughts in my own head. Sound familiar?

All this thinking makes approaching and connecting with a woman really, really tough. Because you’re not connecting with another person, you’re connecting with your thinking about the other person. All the thinking and planning in the world won’t help you feel grounded, clear and connected.

So I’ve been trying an experiment these days, inspired by fellow Fearless coach, Josh Dodds. Let’s call it Leaving Your Head Behind. 

This is weird but cool.

When you see a woman you’re attracted to, willfully drop all that head energy into your body and put full attention it’s sensations. Your only thoughts should be curiosity about your body.

In that moment, experience your body like it’s not even yours. Then walk towards her. Feel your body. Feel your nerves. Feel your feet walking. (If you have a thought, make it, “Wow, look at my feet walking.”) It might feel like you’re watching a movie featuring your body.

If this feels surreal, good.

Now just start talking. What falls out of your mouth might surprise you.

If you’re still struggling with all your thinking, try simply walking towards women or simply walking in the world, watching and feeling your body move through space.

This approach also works for everything else we think are challenging -  paying bills, doing laundry, making a tough phone call, asking for a raise - all the things we have stories around - “This is hard. This is complicated. This is scary. This is impossible.” We think we need to plan and gird our loins. Which makes it very challenging to start. Just drop into your body, tell your thinking to go fuck itself for a while and start moving. 

So don’t stand there thinking, move forward with feeling. And in that unknown space, you’ll be surprised at what can happen.

What If You Were Neither Masculine Nor Feminine

“I don’t want to have feminine energy!”, cried the man who wanted to be more masculine. While the woman cried, “I don’t want to have masculine energy!” who craved deeper femininity.

I get it. The labels masculine and feminine are triggering. Women don’t want to be masculine and men don’t want to be feminine! But there’s something else happening here.

We’ve heard ad nauseam about how we live with both the masculine and feminine energies. Blah blah blah. Supercoach, Michael Neill suggests the reason they’re labeled masculine and feminine is simply because of penises and vaginas. Men have penises which penetrate and thus it’s called masculine energy. The same for women and their vaginas. That’s all!

And it's our resistance to our feminine energy that makes us less masculine. And vice versa. Because we’re less everything! Just like you can’t suppress fear without suppressing joy.

So how would it feel if we strip off the labels? 

Let’s call masculine energy penetrating energy - energy which is forward moving and creative. And let’s call feminine energy receiving - compassionate, listening, feeling.

Guys and gals, feeling a little less triggered now? Let’s keep going. 

I was plenty penetrating in certain parts of my life - building a business and career, climbing mountains, exploring the world. But I fell into my receiving energy (AKA nice guy) when it came to dating, relationships and even sex. Just like the ocean ebbs and flows, our energy shifts at depending on context.

The other day I was talking to an old friend about his struggles. While I was listening, I was in receptive energy - feeling him, empathizing with him, accepting him. When he asked for advice, I was in my penetrating energy - creating, leading, guiding. I never thought “I’m going to step into my masculine.” It flowed from feeling him to guiding him without awareness. 

Looking back, I realize something subtle. When I was asking him probing questions, I was dancing between both energies! I had a thesis which I was guiding him to but I was also open to his reaction. A subtle flow between penetrating and receiving.

As a longtime writer, I live on a teeter-totter of these two dynamics. Do I wait for inspiration (receiving) or do I dive into action (penetrating)? The great writing teacher, William Zinsser, once said, “Thinking isn’t thinking. Writing is thinking.” You don’t know what you think until you move your hands over the keys. And he’s right. On the other hand, sometimes it’s best to sit and watch the clouds go by. 

Writer’s block is merely being stuck in between. So the cure is picking one. Either take a walk or keep writing. You have this binary choice throughout your day. Is it time to feel or is time to act? Simple. (One extremely helpful cure for writer’s block is research. That’s when you’re in your deep curiosity. Like the probing example above, you’re actively seeking because your receiving side wants to be fed.)

The idea for this article popped into my head in the middle of the night as non-resistant receiving energy. Writing it right now is penetrating energy. But even as I write that sentence, I feel myself pause for a moment when a new, unrelated thought pops up. I was receiving in the midst of penetrating!

If we spend all of our time receiving, nothing gets done. Too much time penetrating, we don’t know where we’re going or why. If you spend most of your time watching the world go by, the view never changes. If you spend most of your time in action, the view zips by like you’re on the TGV in France.

Can you feel the subtle balance in yourself right now? You’re reading so that is receptive. You might feel like arguing with me and that’s penetrative. It’s a subtle flow.

A client of mine is an accomplished data scientist and a fine ping-pong player. We spent a lot of time getting him out of his head while feeling his body and his emotions more. And because he could welcome his sadness and fears, he had access to his courage and aggressiveness. It all came together in a big match against a superior player. Never had he played with such aggressiveness, even fury, all because he could feel everything more! (He won, by the way.)

What does this have to do with dating and relationships? Well, everything. Women tell us they want a man who can lead the way, say no and make decisions. But they also want a man who deeply listens, is in touch with his feelings, is caring and compassionate. Men say they want a woman who is sweet and kind and flowing but they also want her to feel her presence and stand up for herself. This is the dance of rapport, feeling and guiding.

So if you’re a “damn the torpedoes” kind of guy, take more moments to check in, be curious about your feelings, your life, the beauty around you. If you’re a “smell the flowers” kind of guy, step into tension, do something unreasonable, leap before you look. 

Start small, dance between both and you’ll be amazed.