Drowning in Self-Love

I just led a webinar for Fearless and we ruminated on self-love and how to access it. Is there anything more fundamental for our growth as human beings?! Put your oxygen mask on first and all that. Check it out here…

This fell on the heels of a moment with a client who was in despair a few weeks ago. He’d been “working on himself” for a long time - studying, reading, stepping into tension, deep meditations, talking to girls in clubs and coffee shops. And beating himself up all along the way. Nothing was good enough. The "work" wasn't “working.”

“What am I missing?” he asked, “Tell me what to do.”

The answer was clear to me. 

“Stop and love yourself preposterously.”

Damn, that sounded like a bunch of new age woo-woo. I felt embarrassed in the moment. 

We’ve got so much love inside of us - for our friends, our families, women, our passions - and yet we’re always the last in line. And we spend so much time “working on” ourselves so we can attract love (lust, sex, approval, validation) but how much are we really giving ourselves? 

Lester Levenson, founder of the Sedona Method, had a huge shift when he came to this understanding. Early in his life, he believed that the secret to happiness is to receive love. But then he realized that being loved is capricious, our happiness dependent on someone else’s ability to love. But that feeling of happiness could be his anytime when he chose to be loving. So it’s not that big a jump to be loving towards yourself. 

Every time that little voice, your ego, says something in the “not good enough" arena…stop. Stop and observe. Regard the voice as if it’s in a cartoon bubble, coming from a ten-year old who doesn’t even know you. Still feel a little sting? That’s ok. Now bathe that sting with 100% UNREASONABLE AND EMBARRASSING SELF-LOVE. Hell, let it flow over your ego, too. It might feel a little embarrassing at first. Silly and stupid. That’s ok, it’s just new.

If jumping straight to self-love seems impossible, how about a little self-sympathy? “Oh, poor guy. I’m sorry for you and your struggles.” 

Not a bad start. At least you’ve stopped being angry at yourself. But while sympathy is nice, can you feel the pity in it? The victimization? 

Then try some self-empathy. Empathy is, “I get it. I understand. I’ve been there.” 

Wait! How the hell can we feel empathy towards ourselves? Isn’t empathy experiencing the feelings of others? Isn’t self-empathy just…feeling your own feelings? When you empathize with yourself, you’re not just feeling yourself, you’re feeling yourself feeling yourself. This is a good vortex to get caught up in. You become your own loving observer who understands deeply. 

So how do you know you’re capable of self-love?

Because you’re reading this. 

If you didn’t love yourself, you’d be doing many other things to distract you from your inner discomfort. Maybe even self-injurious things. But instead you’re reading this, curious about how to access self-love.

Which means you’re on your way. 

I hope you can feel that.

Try this on… 

In the video, I guide the audience through a guided self-love meditation. You can follow along with the video or try it yourself now…

Close your eyes and for a few minutes and tell yourself “I love you” over and over. In a sing-songy sort of way. Say it to your tender heart, the innocence inside of you that longs to be loved. And since your subconscious doesn’t know the difference between reality and fantasy, give it good thoughts and intentions. Something magical will happen. Maybe not in the moment or tomorrow, but soon.

If you felt resistance - embarrassment, shame, a sense of brokenness - that’s great! It gives you something new to love! Love your embarrassment, shame and brokenness. It’s just your inner child raising his hand to say, “I’m in pain.” 

Now shift to “I don’t know how to love myself”. Feel the tenderness. Even deeper access to your innocence. That tenderness you feel around “not knowing” is the feeling love towards yourself. Again, you may feel sadness, or frustration, or apathy. There you go. Love that. Whatever arises, love that. 

Thanks. I hope you enjoy the webinar. Oh, and I love you.

What If You Were Neither Masculine Nor Feminine

“I don’t want to have feminine energy!”, cried the man who wanted to be more masculine. While the woman cried, “I don’t want to have masculine energy!” who craved deeper femininity.

I get it. The labels masculine and feminine are triggering. Women don’t want to be masculine and men don’t want to be feminine! But there’s something else happening here.

We’ve heard ad nauseam about how we live with both the masculine and feminine energies. Blah blah blah. Supercoach, Michael Neill suggests the reason they’re labeled masculine and feminine is simply because of penises and vaginas. Men have penises which penetrate and thus it’s called masculine energy. The same for women and their vaginas. That’s all!

And it's our resistance to our feminine energy that makes us less masculine. And vice versa. Because we’re less everything! Just like you can’t suppress fear without suppressing joy.

So how would it feel if we strip off the labels? 

Let’s call masculine energy penetrating energy - energy which is forward moving and creative. And let’s call feminine energy receiving - compassionate, listening, feeling.

Guys and gals, feeling a little less triggered now? Let’s keep going. 

I was plenty penetrating in certain parts of my life - building a business and career, climbing mountains, exploring the world. But I fell into my receiving energy (AKA nice guy) when it came to dating, relationships and even sex. Just like the ocean ebbs and flows, our energy shifts at depending on context.

The other day I was talking to an old friend about his struggles. While I was listening, I was in receptive energy - feeling him, empathizing with him, accepting him. When he asked for advice, I was in my penetrating energy - creating, leading, guiding. I never thought “I’m going to step into my masculine.” It flowed from feeling him to guiding him without awareness. 

Looking back, I realize something subtle. When I was asking him probing questions, I was dancing between both energies! I had a thesis which I was guiding him to but I was also open to his reaction. A subtle flow between penetrating and receiving.

As a longtime writer, I live on a teeter-totter of these two dynamics. Do I wait for inspiration (receiving) or do I dive into action (penetrating)? The great writing teacher, William Zinsser, once said, “Thinking isn’t thinking. Writing is thinking.” You don’t know what you think until you move your hands over the keys. And he’s right. On the other hand, sometimes it’s best to sit and watch the clouds go by. 

Writer’s block is merely being stuck in between. So the cure is picking one. Either take a walk or keep writing. You have this binary choice throughout your day. Is it time to feel or is time to act? Simple. (One extremely helpful cure for writer’s block is research. That’s when you’re in your deep curiosity. Like the probing example above, you’re actively seeking because your receiving side wants to be fed.)

The idea for this article popped into my head in the middle of the night as non-resistant receiving energy. Writing it right now is penetrating energy. But even as I write that sentence, I feel myself pause for a moment when a new, unrelated thought pops up. I was receiving in the midst of penetrating!

If we spend all of our time receiving, nothing gets done. Too much time penetrating, we don’t know where we’re going or why. If you spend most of your time watching the world go by, the view never changes. If you spend most of your time in action, the view zips by like you’re on the TGV in France.

Can you feel the subtle balance in yourself right now? You’re reading so that is receptive. You might feel like arguing with me and that’s penetrative. It’s a subtle flow.

A client of mine is an accomplished data scientist and a fine ping-pong player. We spent a lot of time getting him out of his head while feeling his body and his emotions more. And because he could welcome his sadness and fears, he had access to his courage and aggressiveness. It all came together in a big match against a superior player. Never had he played with such aggressiveness, even fury, all because he could feel everything more! (He won, by the way.)

What does this have to do with dating and relationships? Well, everything. Women tell us they want a man who can lead the way, say no and make decisions. But they also want a man who deeply listens, is in touch with his feelings, is caring and compassionate. Men say they want a woman who is sweet and kind and flowing but they also want her to feel her presence and stand up for herself. This is the dance of rapport, feeling and guiding.

So if you’re a “damn the torpedoes” kind of guy, take more moments to check in, be curious about your feelings, your life, the beauty around you. If you’re a “smell the flowers” kind of guy, step into tension, do something unreasonable, leap before you look. 

Start small, dance between both and you’ll be amazed.